Often times, there are moments in life where we collectively sit back and say, “I can’t believe I am alive at the same time as this person”. Whether that was watching Muhammad Ali duck punches, seeing LeBron James pin a layup against the backboard, or realizing that Paul George cheated on Doc Rivers’ daughter with a stripper, only to end up having her father be his new head coach, you can feel that moment of transcendence for those who excel at what they do.
One of those moments is about to begin, whether you realize it or not. The internet is about to employ the services of an absolute shark, one that makes Vegas squirm and want to run away. That’s right. “The Human Rocket Launcher”, “The Sportsbook Robin Hood”, “Sweet D Danner”, yours truly, will be giving out mortal locks each week of the NFL Season from here on out.
I have to make one thing clear before we get rolling. In this online household, we hang banners. We don’t surrender or wail around in the face of defeat, we look Vegas in the face, laugh, and walk away with a bag in hand.
Welcome to Lock City, let’s go.
Dallas (-5.5) at Washington
While Washington shocked the public in the first half of last week’s season opener against Philadelphia, they came crashing back down to Earth in the second half, giving up deep pass after deep pass. Meanwhile, Dallas curb-stomped the New York Football Giants, carving them up with deep balls in the center of the field for what seemed like fifteen straight drives. Expect more of the same against Washington. Dallas will also have the tools to put some pressure on Case Keenum and bottle up an 84 year old Adrian Peterson. I see myself clapping along with Jason Garrett as Dak and I head to the bank.
Los Angeles (-2.5) at Detroit
What type of a**hole am I to immediately fade the Lions after Klepp lets me write on the site? The type of a**hole that’s going to win money betting against Matt Patricia’s somber squad that couldn’t hold off the Cardinals in last week’s tie. The Chargers come into Ford Field fresh off of an impressive home debut against a still-pretty-solid Colts squad. After watching the Chargers’ late-game catastrophes the last five years, they seem to be past the point of blowing games at the very end. Austin Ekeler proved that they don’t need Melvin Gordon to dominate the ground game, and the loss of Hunter Henry shouldn’t steer you away from the Bolts. Expect Phil Rivers and company to cover comfortability on the road, just in time for Phil to return home and conceive his 12th child.
Tampa Bay at Carolina (-6.5)
Does this image scare you? Me neither. Take the last opportunity you’ll ever get to give less than seven points against Jameis Winston on the road.
Chicago (-2.5) at Denver
I know, I know. Betting on Mitch Trubisky might leave most shaking in their boots. Especially on the road in an atmosphere like Denver. However, that defense proved that 2018 was just the beginning, and they are staring down Joe Flacco and a shaky offensive line this week. I think Matt Nagy slows the pace in this one, gets creative with his playmakers, and finally lets David Montgomery cook.
New England at Miami (under 47.5)
This might be my favorite pick of the week. Did you know the Patriots are 10-0 in their last ten on the under the week after they win a game by double digits? Did you know the last time the Patriots hung more than 40 points on the Dolphins was in 2010? Do you think the Dolphins will score more than 7 points against a stacked New England defense that just embarrassed Pittsburgh? This will be a classic Belichick vs awful team game, with the Pats winning 35-3 or 30-7. Lock in the under and start thinking of ways to spend that money.
Number of times I will call Leigh Murray on Sunday to make fun of him for picking the Jets and Lions to make the playoffs (over 6.5)